News

Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs is done. Okay, it’s not quite done, and what a bloody relief, but Frictional Games – creator of the original Amnesia: The Dark Descentposts that thechineseroom has handed over their final build of the title, all ready for “testing, tweaking, optimising, porting, translating and all those things that are part of the process of creating and releasing a game”. Continue reading

 

White Paper Games have just put out, in trailer form, a shockingly accurate depiction of my average day on a hangover. Oh, I jest. It’s really for Ether One, a first-person mind-bender that’s looking curiouser and curiouser. Just have a gander at that lovely drawn-on art style (epilepsy warning – possible seizure trigger):
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Farming, eh? Who’d have thought an activity so fundamental (and by fundamental I mean dull) could transmogrify into the gaming equivalent of a chocolate-coated crack pipe. And no, I’m not talking about Farming Simulator 2013, the very thought of which fills me with terror.

I lost countless hours (okay, 80) to Harvest Moon before I took my monastic vows and eschewed handheld consoles until I could afford them again. There is just bloody well something about the gentle rhythm of sowing and watering and harvesting and animal husbanding and fucking about with magical gnomes and smashing rocks to find DIAMONDS and maybe marrying the town alcoholic. I mean, isn’t there?

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It was a dark, soul-wringing day in the depths of Hidden Exit when Terraria’s development stepped on a primordial black hole and obliviated. The capacity to feel joy was sucked straight the hell out of my face, and I started staring at the Starbound development blog in the same way my fictional cat stares at small living things that it is about to torture and then kill.

BUT HOPE HAS REARED ITS HIDEOUS, LEAKING FACE.

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The Phantom movie serial 1943 - taken from permissiontokilldotcom

Swamps. Never met one, but I’ve always thought of them as the sort of thing to avoid, because not even water wings can save you from the glutinous death of Quicksand™ – not to mention the sabre-toothed alligators, the corrosive gases, the miscellaneous undead, and the hillbillies with their infernal banjos.

However, I’m prepared to give swamps a a good old second chance if the latest tech video out of the makers of The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing is anything to go by. Apparently, the humble swamp is quite the trick to get right in a game engine “because of the various textures like leaves, mud and water, of course”, according to the Neocore Games devblog post on the topic. Continue reading

Iconoclasts_01_cropped

Oh, blast my slovenly inattention. Joakim Sandberg, also known variously as Konjak and The Second Coming of the Pixel, has released a new alpha for The Iconoclasts. It’s shorter than the first, it’s been the subject of ratcheting and tinkering and cries of “my pretty”, and you will want to play it over and over until the next release. Continue reading

football

Somebody had to do it. We’ve had soccer games, and we’ve had soccer management games; now, we finally have the technology to create a soccer fuckabout game in the guise of Lords of Football.

Hitting the personal computer come the harsh light of summer, the “world’s first football lifestyle simulation” will let you play with surrogate soccer stars both on and off the pitch. “You command a team of footballers who demand training, leadership and a high-end lifestyle to keep them motivated,” a game blurb reads. Continue reading

Excellent news, and just in time for my bicentennial post! Those Machiavellian fellows over at Spooky Squid have pulled the ol’ switcharoo on the Xblock, abandoning Microsoft’s system and opting instead to vent their upcoming arcade horror game They Bleed Pixels on Steam. Which is obviously a very clever thing to have done. Oh, jubilance! Continue reading

I once tried to hone a toothbrush into a shank to be proud of, but I figured I was getting ahead of myself. And indeed, I have never eaten prison food.

I do have this morbid fascination with prisons, though. What do all those hardened convicts get up to? Really get up to, I mean. Aside from needlepoint, gang rape and garrotting. Dear, I hope I’m not being stereotypical. (Actually, being South African, I think I’m painting a picture of flowers and possibly a bunny that is mauve of hue.) Continue reading

Haunted truck stop

I ain’t dead! I’ve just been hiding.

Admittedly, I’ve been hiding long enough that the guard wolves I stationed around the hidden entrance to Hidden Exit tried to gum me on the way in. I showed them, to be sure. But the bear traps! Those seemed like a good idea at the time, but unlike guard wolves they don’t lose their teeth to scurvy and old age. Troublesome, that.

Any way. I’m here now, and that’s what counts, right? Right?

Right. Here, while I dust the place off and put the kettle on, have yourself a muse at the meaning of trucks over at NAG. It is my attempt at proving I can maintain a full-time job and be a facetious perpetuator of harmful trucker stereotypes.

And you thought I didn’t care.