Farming, eh? Who’d have thought an activity so fundamental (and by fundamental I mean dull) could transmogrify into the gaming equivalent of a chocolate-coated crack pipe. And no, I’m not talking about Farming Simulator 2013, the very thought of which fills me with terror.

I lost countless hours (okay, 80) to Harvest Moon before I took my monastic vows and eschewed handheld consoles until I could afford them again. There is just bloody well something about the gentle rhythm of sowing and watering and harvesting and animal husbanding and fucking about with magical gnomes and smashing rocks to find DIAMONDS and maybe marrying the town alcoholic. I mean, isn’t there?

What I’m trying to say is, Stardew Valley, where have you been all my digital life? Look here:

Do you see? Tell me you see.

Stardew Valley, despite having an utterly forgettable name, has a feature list torn bleeding from my pleasure centre: in addition to your common and garden gardening, it’s got those RPG elements that have been all the rage since the beginning of time, as well as crafting, socialising, cooking, and fishing. Fishing, is what I said. For those ornery souls not built for the farmer’s lot, there is a network of Mysterious caves in which to spelunk and do battle. Did I mention archaeology? I believe it slipped my stunned mind.

Fucking fantastically, the game will also include same-sex marriage in addition to the boring old vanilla option. I’m fascinated to see that co-op play for up to four farmhands will be supported; who can tell what brand of mischief that augurs?

If the game is everything I’m hoping it’ll be, I’ll probably never leave the homestead again. Do us all a favour and help it harvest a Greenlight, would you?


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