football

Somebody had to do it. We’ve had soccer games, and we’ve had soccer management games; now, we finally have the technology to create a soccer fuckabout game in the guise of Lords of Football.

Hitting the personal computer come the harsh light of summer, the “world’s first football lifestyle simulation” will let you play with surrogate soccer stars both on and off the pitch. “You command a team of footballers who demand training, leadership and a high-end lifestyle to keep them motivated,” a game blurb reads.

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So you’ve got to put them through their paces on the pitch, as well as give them reasonable access to the holy trinity of capitalism: the beer,  the slot machine and the stripper. Real-life titillation sold separately!

lords of football 4 croppedLetting them run off the leash too long can have hazardous effects on the field, particularly if a tabloid gets wind and a scandal blows up. On the other hand, footballers need to carouse. It’s in the fucking contract, innit.

We all know that footie players are a naughty, precocious bunch. Such as is the case with other forms of wealth and fame, the soccer world has its fair share of the irresponsible funsies. Sucking a line of cocaine off the topographical features of a model is one of the perks of the position, I’m given to understand.

Just how deep this simulation rabbit-hole will go is anyone’s guess currently (barring Italian developers Geniaware, who ought to have a bloody good idea). I reckon it’s safe to say a hangover will wreck your striker’s game, but what if he takes some milk thistle and has a Bloody Mary in the morning? What then? And if your goalie develops an addiction for love, do you get to check him into a luxury rehabilitation programme for caught-outs and cop-outs?

“Will you fulfil your potential, inspire your team to greatness and become a Lord of Football?” Will you indeed.

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