Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs is done. Okay, it’s not quite done, and what a bloody relief, but Frictional Games – creator of the original Amnesia: The Dark Descentposts that thechineseroom has handed over their final build of the title, all ready for “testing, tweaking, optimising, porting, translating and all those things that are part of the process of creating and releasing a game”. Continue reading


White Paper Games have just put out, in trailer form, a shockingly accurate depiction of my average day on a hangover. Oh, I jest. It’s really for Ether One, a first-person mind-bender that’s looking curiouser and curiouser. Just have a gander at that lovely drawn-on art style (epilepsy warning – possible seizure trigger):
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Farming, eh? Who’d have thought an activity so fundamental (and by fundamental I mean dull) could transmogrify into the gaming equivalent of a chocolate-coated crack pipe. And no, I’m not talking about Farming Simulator 2013, the very thought of which fills me with terror.

I lost countless hours (okay, 80) to Harvest Moon before I took my monastic vows and eschewed handheld consoles until I could afford them again. There is just bloody well something about the gentle rhythm of sowing and watering and harvesting and animal husbanding and fucking about with magical gnomes and smashing rocks to find DIAMONDS and maybe marrying the town alcoholic. I mean, isn’t there?

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It was a dark, soul-wringing day in the depths of Hidden Exit when Terraria’s development stepped on a primordial black hole and obliviated. The capacity to feel joy was sucked straight the hell out of my face, and I started staring at the Starbound development blog in the same way my fictional cat stares at small living things that it is about to torture and then kill.


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GolfXTRM screenshot 1

GolfXTRM is what you get when you dunk a suit-coated golfer in a jar of ketamine and shove his head in a NES cartridge slot.

Made amid the fantastical Fuck This Jam – whose dashing premise is that something vauntiful will happen if you get people to make games in genres they fucking hate – it’s a surreal golfing sim with procedural woodlands, seasons, and trees that grow in real time. (Read that again.) Continue reading

The Phantom movie serial 1943 - taken from permissiontokilldotcom

Swamps. Never met one, but I’ve always thought of them as the sort of thing to avoid, because not even water wings can save you from the glutinous death of Quicksand™ – not to mention the sabre-toothed alligators, the corrosive gases, the miscellaneous undead, and the hillbillies with their infernal banjos.

However, I’m prepared to give swamps a a good old second chance if the latest tech video out of the makers of The Incredible Adventures of Van Helsing is anything to go by. Apparently, the humble swamp is quite the trick to get right in a game engine “because of the various textures like leaves, mud and water, of course”, according to the Neocore Games devblog post on the topic. Continue reading

Asphyx screenshot 1

If you’ve ever wondered what it must be like to drown – what’s more, in mid-air, so to speak – then golly well look no further than Asphyx, a clever little browser game by Droqen.

The premise: have a lookabout. The complication: is bloody ingenious. If your character falls in the water, and fall in the water he certainly will, you (the person, the very you) have to hold your breath. If you suck even a teat’s worth of the oh-two, you have to own up and press escape. Continue reading


Oh, blast my slovenly inattention. Joakim Sandberg, also known variously as Konjak and The Second Coming of the Pixel, has released a new alpha for The Iconoclasts. It’s shorter than the first, it’s been the subject of ratcheting and tinkering and cries of “my pretty”, and you will want to play it over and over until the next release. Continue reading

Guest artwork by Ed Chee

I’ll say this about orphanages out in the countryside: I don’t trust them. I’ve never been in one without having a fit of the snivels. Not that I’ve ever been in one, mind, but I’ve seen enough of them through the reliable lens of popular culture to know that they are only marginally better for your health and sanity than a grinning lunatic with a stolen scalpel. Continue reading


Somebody had to do it. We’ve had soccer games, and we’ve had soccer management games; now, we finally have the technology to create a soccer fuckabout game in the guise of Lords of Football.

Hitting the personal computer come the harsh light of summer, the “world’s first football lifestyle simulation” will let you play with surrogate soccer stars both on and off the pitch. “You command a team of footballers who demand training, leadership and a high-end lifestyle to keep them motivated,” a game blurb reads. Continue reading